Nothingtosayhere

Daily struggles between getting better and resisting being better.  For every day that goes by, where I tell myself I need to snap out of it. Get the walking shoes on, actually leave the house. Be a productive member of society. For all of that... There are a million thoughts of why not. From comforting myself to downright lies. Just not for me this exercise and healthy living patter. Quite aside from the physical health benefits of getting out and exercising, which I am pretty much at a point where it's going to be medically necessary. I know, as I am sure everyone does, that mentally I will be so much better off but, as I say, I know what I am. Hypocrisy is a pretty stupid thing, regardless of the form it takes. My own particular hypocritical behaviour is only bad for me. If you asked me for any advice on fitness regimes, or weight loss, I wouldn't try to pretend I know an awful lot but I can point you at loads of resources for help with anything from changing eating habits t...

 After everything in my last post. Which was essentially just a whine about feeling down. I want to create something that maybe actually helps me make sense of where I am and what I’m feeling.  So what am I feeling? Well, probably best to describe my current state of mind as confused. I said before that I don’t know what anxiety and the D word actually mean to me. I know what I’m supposed to do to change things and get out of my ‘rut’ but why do I get caught in the same cycle year after year?  Do you ever think about life, or elements of life and wonder if I’d known away back then what I know now things would be different? I’m not saying that I had a hard childhood or traumatic experiences. What I had though was anger issues. Frustration and anger.  If, when I was 15/16, I knew the feelings of stress and anxiety and what they do to me, situations would probably have been different. Would I have been different? Hopefully not. However, I do think being better equipped ...

 I've done this before, so many times.  I started this post as a sort of stream of consciousness, to see where it would lead, because I am beginning to stay awake again. Thoughts are racing and I am staring at the ceiling again. The thoughts I keep pushing back, or  more truthfully, pushing to the forefront of my mind at times when I should be doing the opposite. Is something wrong?  Am I compensating? Am I actually falling down again or do I just want to? Maybe its as simple as everyone does this, nothing out of the ordinary. We all tell ourselves everything is good or will be good. Don't we? It's a normal human reaction to kid ourselves a wee bit, convince ourselves. You  can  get through hard times... put on a happy face! This is the thing that keeps me awake. Everything, well everything outside of lockdown or COVID, is good. So why am I so manic? What is it that has me on edge and feeling so tense, making me hyper. Or is it nothing? Maybe I am looking f...