Making The Most Of...



 After everything in my last post. Which was essentially just a whine about feeling down. I want to create something that maybe actually helps me make sense of where I am and what I’m feeling. 


So what am I feeling?

Well, probably best to describe my current state of mind as confused. I said before that I don’t know what anxiety and the D word actually mean to me. I know what I’m supposed to do to change things and get out of my ‘rut’ but why do I get caught in the same cycle year after year? 

Do you ever think about life, or elements of life and wonder if I’d known away back then what I know now things would be different? I’m not saying that I had a hard childhood or traumatic experiences. What I had though was anger issues. Frustration and anger.  If, when I was 15/16, I knew the feelings of stress and anxiety and what they do to me, situations would probably have been different. Would I have been different? Hopefully not. However, I do think being better equipped earlier in life would have meant I could maybe actually put the tools and mechanisms available to better use. Truthfully, I know what needs to be done to improve my mental health and keep myself on an even keel. I just don’t do it. 

When there are medicine ball sized balls of stress sitting right in the middle of your chest  there are supposed to be coping mechanisms, to keep calm and get you through. Honestly though, I never do.  

Thing is, in the current climate it’s easy to get caught up in the stresses of just getting through the day. I am brilliant at giving out advice. Control what you can. Worry about what you and yours are doing. Don’t get down with how other people conduct themselves. Honestly, fucking zen here when it comes to giving out advice. 

Just getting through the day, though. Imagine that’s what you said to your guidance teacher when they asked what you wanted to do with your life. Everybody wants to achieve goals and “make” something of their life. Well, everyone probably starts out that way. I wonder how many go from being a young go-getter to ‘just getting through the day’ by the time they are 30. The world we live in now is so far removed from even 30 years ago. So many aspirations of being remembered, in whatever guise that may be. 

On the best of days, I content myself with getting through the workload I have. On the worst? Not getting fired for an expletive laden rant. That's it for me, no higher or lower. No need for self help books or inspirational ted talks. Just. Don't. Get. Sacked. 

There it is folks. stick that on a poster. 

This turned out somewhat different to plan again... I talk some amount of rubbish


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