I've been trying to convince myself it isn't real


 I've done this before, so many times. 

I started this post as a sort of stream of consciousness, to see where it would lead, because I am beginning to stay awake again. Thoughts are racing and I am staring at the ceiling again. The thoughts I keep pushing back, or  more truthfully, pushing to the forefront of my mind at times when I should be doing the opposite.

Is something wrong?  Am I compensating? Am I actually falling down again or do I just want to?

Maybe its as simple as everyone does this, nothing out of the ordinary. We all tell ourselves everything is good or will be good. Don't we? It's a normal human reaction to kid ourselves a wee bit, convince ourselves. You can get through hard times... put on a happy face!

This is the thing that keeps me awake. Everything, well everything outside of lockdown or COVID, is good. So why am I so manic? What is it that has me on edge and feeling so tense, making me hyper. Or is it nothing? Maybe I am looking for something that isn't there. I'm dressing up my mood as too positive, like I am over compensating to convince myself I'm not on a downward slide. So what can I do - how can I address the slide without crashing myself? 

Well, actually, it might be just the opposite. I'm looking for problems that aren't there because they haven't been there for a while and they should be. There is a pattern to it normally so I must be overdue a dip. If I am overdue a dip, then clearly this cheery disposition is a front... a mask. Is it?

As I said, a stream of consciousness to try to open up or clear my thought process. It's not working so far. In fact, if anything, it's just muddying already muddy waters. 

What works?

Even in that I wonder if my anxiety, diagnosed as social anxiety, is even real. Maybe I am just anti-social. Maybe the feelings I have inside are the same as everyone else has from time to time. Except that I, even at 43, can't process them in a way that's healthy. Maybe what I think is anxiety is brought on by a serious lack of social skills. Lots of maybe's swimming around. No answers to be found anywhere. 



  

Location: Gourock, UK

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